Me vs. Me

I met with my trainer last night for the first time in over a week and for the last time for another month. I won't meet with him again until early August, and that means I'm on my own for the next 30+ days. I have to say though...I feel less daunted then I ever have before.

During our meeting last night, we spent a good amount of time going over my food diary for the last 2 weeks. Although I know I made some positive efforts during that time, as he questioned me about certain choices I made, I found myself making excuses, trying to explain WHY I thought certain choices were ok or at least better than other choices I'd made. At a certain point, I stopped and just accepted responsibillity. I hadn't pigged out on fast food, but I HAD made certain choices that I KNEW weren't the best. I had rationalized...as all smart fat people do.

I'm fat, I'm smart, and I am a master rationalizer...constantly negotiating with myself: I can have an extra fudge pop if I just skip breakfast tomorrow. I can eat these salty chips as long as I drink extra water. I can skip the gym as long as I make the long walk to the grocery store. The truth is, though...none of my rationalizations are actually rational. They're delusional. Completely delusional. I've managed to learn to instinctively justify bad choices, even if I KNOW they're bad, simply because I WANT to give in to whatever instantly gratifying thing is before me at any given time; a cupcake, potato chips, chinese food, my sofa and a good episode of friends.

I've been pondering these tendencies since last night, and the conclusion I've come to is that I should be embarassed. Totally and completely embarassed, because what I've shown myself and others is not that I'm intelligent or rational, but that I'm selfish and weak. I've shown myself to be no better than a 2 year old in a candy store...and it's embarassing. I'm 27 years old. I graduated from college. I studied at Oxford. I've run organizations that motivated and mobilized large groups of people. In every other aspect of my life I'm a smart, strong woman. When it comes to food though, I may as well be clutching a Hershey bar in aisle 10 screaming "BUT I WANT IT, I WANT IT, I WANT IT!!!!" followed by a full on floor-pounding temper-tantrum. THAT is the hold that food has over me, and it's embarassing.

Some of you will tell me not to be so hard on myself, or tell me that it's wrong to consider myself weak. I disagree. I'm not berating myself here. I'm not moping or asking for your sympathy. I'm telling you that I am thoroughly embarassed by my behavior and lack of control. It's ridiculous that I have all the tools I need to lose this weight....the right food, a good trainer, a supportive boyfriend, friends and family, and the knowledge to make the right choices, and that I've CHOSEN to disregard them all and allow myself to rationalize my behavior. The choices I've made with food effect me no less than alcohol does an alcoholic or crack does a junkie. Carrying around this weight hurts my health, it shortens my number of years on this planet and it affects the quality of my life DAILY. To say that any plate of alfredo or general tso's shrimp is, has been or ever will be worth it...is laughable.

So...I'm embarassed. The next time I'm at a party and they start the "what's your most embarassing moment" game, my answer will be "that time I weighed 220 lbs. and felt like crap and hated seeing my reflection, and couldn't shop at any clothing store I wanted, and didn't want to be seen in a bathing suit...even though I knew how to NOT weigh that much". I feel like I've spent every day of the last 17 years walking around with a mullet, and I'm the only one who thought it was ok. A mullet is NEVER ok, and neither is the weight I've been hauling around since 1996. I'm not mad at myself. I'm not sad. I'm just embarassed.

And I'm done rationalizing.

Today's weight: 220 lbs.
Today's food (so far): 1/2 a whole wheat english muffin
Venti nonfat capuccino w/splenda
one stick string cheese
one Slim Fast meal replacement shake
Today's exercise: 45 minutes cardio at gym


Thanks for reading, y'all. Your support means more than you know.

~ Courtney

I sit, tonight, in my sweltering apartment having decided NOT to go to the gym. Now, I know what you'll say..."But Courtney! How will you lose weight if you don't exercise!?!"...and you're absolutely right. THIS is probably why I've had such a hard time losing weight for the last...um....forever. Tonight is typical of many such nights I've had; it's hot and humid outside, I'm tired from a hectic day at work, my gym clothes need to be washed, dinner filled me up and zapped my energy (thank you, Mr. Potato), and from my cushy spot here on the couch, in front of the fan, absolutely NOTHING is less enticing to me right now than the thought of shuffling through the sauna we're currently calling "outside" to a crowded, smelly gym. House Hunters is on HGTV, and I'm not going anywhere.

I will, however, blog about it...and maybe that'll help me reach some conclusions about why I get in my own way and why I'm so damn lazy sometimes. So here we go...

I've been doing relatively well with my eating plan for the last week. I spent last weekend at my aunt's house, which is big and beautiful and has a magnificent kitchen. Another important quality it has is isolation. There is absolutely no grocery store or restaurant within walking distance. When I arrived for the weekend, my cousin and I made one grocery stop, where I stocked up on kale, spring mix, soysage and shrimp. I spent the weekend cooking for myself and eating proteins and greens. I drank tons of water, felt fully satisfied, and by the end of the weekend I'd lost about 3 lbs.

Coming back to the city was an instant challenge. I hadn't eaten anything all day by the time I my train made it back into Center City. I was hungry and I didn't feel like cooking for myself....so it was off to Chili's. I had a black bean burger (pretty ok) with cheese (bad call) and french fries (just plain stupid)...but I did only eat half the fries (mildly redemptive).

So that was the weekend, and the work week has been...strange. Mostly good, I'd say. I've not gone off the deep end with food. I haven't ordered Chinese (though I've been VERY tempted to). I haven't purchased a large box of Entemanns chocolate donuts to keep in my bottom desk drawer to eat when I'm peckish (as I've been known to do...recently...like last week). I haven't come home and prepared and eaten an entire box of Mac N' Cheese (again, like I did last week). All in all, progress, I feel.

My efforts with exercise have been sporadic. Here and there. I HAVE been making the effort...it's just been like pulling teeth. It feels lately like it's been taking enormous effort just to get myself through the gym door. This isn't how it should be. I should be excited. I should be revved up. I've got 80 lbs. to lose. I have a personal trainer (albeit a once a month trainer). I pay good money to use this gym...I need to actually USE it!! And so, tonight, like many other nights, I make the pledge...I WILL go to the gym tomorrow! The plan right now is to lay out my gym clothes, get to bed early, and get to the gym early tomorrow morning. I think that maybe, with the weather as hot as it is, I'm likely to keep avoiding the gym at the end of the day. The solution to my laziness may be to get the whole thing out of the way in the morning so that I can relax after work without feeling the pressure to journey to the gym.

I want to apologize for my blog being less than thrilling right now....I know it's more of a catalogue of food and work outs and plans, but...well...that's what I need to be doing right now, and to tell you the truth, I think it really helps to be putting it down on (virtual) paper.

I'm also going to start keeping and updating my stats here...so here they are:

Start Weight: 224
Today's Weight: 221

Today's Food: One soft pretzel
One boca chick'n patty, 1/2 cup light whipped cottage cheese, 2 tbsp.
salsa
16 Wheat thins
one stick string cheese
2 cups sauteed cabbage, one medium potato
60 oz. H20

Today's Exercise: Epic Fail

Most interesting thing I saw today: A homeless man sitting on Broad Street, playing peek-a-boo with no one in particular.

That's all for tonight, folks. Thanks for reading. Hope y'all have a wonderful night :)

~ Courtney
in particular

5 * 7 * 9

The earliest memory I have of walking out of a clothing store frustrated, on the verge of tears, and acutely aware of my body's glaring flaws comes from a 1995 trip to the Mission Viejo mall in Southern California, the day before Valentine's Day. I was 13 years old and in 8th grade, and I made the mistake of entering a store called 5*7*9 (the only sizes in which the store actually sold clothing). It was the night before the Valentine's Day dance, and I needed a red dress. In fact, I'd only decided that day that I was even going to attend the dance. I've always hated dances...hated dancing...and most of all I hated the feeling I got in my gut when I stood against the gym wall watching all the girls in my class flit around from boy to boy, dancing and bopping and flirting and having a good time. I didn't understand how they did it....why they didn't have a lump in their throat and shaky limbs and a voice in their head screaming "GET OUT!!! IF YOU LEAVE NOW THEY WON'T HAVE TIME TO JUDGE YOU!!! THEY WON'T EVEN NOTICE YOU WERE EVER HERE!!"

I felt that way then, and I feel the same way most of the time now. Some things never change, and for me, the thing that never changes is an overwhelming awareness that I'm overweight, that I'm not comfortable in my skin and that I don't feel attractive. I've felt this way for as long as I can remember, and I've been trying lose weight for as long as I can remember. I've been gaining and losing the same 50 lbs. for the last 14 years, and I'm sick of it.

That's why I'm here...to try to lose this Godforsaken weight again, for the umpteenth time. I've tried Weight Watchers and LA Weight Loss. I've stocked up on Slim Fast bars and protein shakes. I've read Oprah's book and tried following Bob Greene's plan. I read "The Writing Diet" and "Skinny Bitch". I tried e-diets and the Biggest Loser at home. I've tried journaling and I've tried having a workout buddy. So far, nothing's worked, and if I'm honest with myself I have to admit that the only common denominator in all my failed efforts...is me. If I'm honest, I have to admit that I know exactly what I need to do to lose weight. I have the knowledge, the tools and the motivation. The goal now...is to actually DO it.

I don't know why I think I'll be successful this time around, but I figure that with a task this daunting, there's no room for self doubt. Yesterday was yesterday and the past won't repeat itself unless I let it. I've decided to start this blog to chronicle my journey, to seek encouragement, to encourage others, and to keep a written record to remind myself that my struggles are valid, my efforts are worthwhile, and my goal is attainable.

I know it's not going to be easy, but nothing worth accomplishing ever is. I've wasted enough of my life feeling fat, uncomfortable, unattractive and unhealthy. I'm tired of feeling like I'm not in control of my own habits and my own choices. Something's gotta change, and for me it starts today.

So wish me luck!!

~ Courtney