Me vs. Me

I met with my trainer last night for the first time in over a week and for the last time for another month. I won't meet with him again until early August, and that means I'm on my own for the next 30+ days. I have to say though...I feel less daunted then I ever have before.

During our meeting last night, we spent a good amount of time going over my food diary for the last 2 weeks. Although I know I made some positive efforts during that time, as he questioned me about certain choices I made, I found myself making excuses, trying to explain WHY I thought certain choices were ok or at least better than other choices I'd made. At a certain point, I stopped and just accepted responsibillity. I hadn't pigged out on fast food, but I HAD made certain choices that I KNEW weren't the best. I had rationalized...as all smart fat people do.

I'm fat, I'm smart, and I am a master rationalizer...constantly negotiating with myself: I can have an extra fudge pop if I just skip breakfast tomorrow. I can eat these salty chips as long as I drink extra water. I can skip the gym as long as I make the long walk to the grocery store. The truth is, though...none of my rationalizations are actually rational. They're delusional. Completely delusional. I've managed to learn to instinctively justify bad choices, even if I KNOW they're bad, simply because I WANT to give in to whatever instantly gratifying thing is before me at any given time; a cupcake, potato chips, chinese food, my sofa and a good episode of friends.

I've been pondering these tendencies since last night, and the conclusion I've come to is that I should be embarassed. Totally and completely embarassed, because what I've shown myself and others is not that I'm intelligent or rational, but that I'm selfish and weak. I've shown myself to be no better than a 2 year old in a candy store...and it's embarassing. I'm 27 years old. I graduated from college. I studied at Oxford. I've run organizations that motivated and mobilized large groups of people. In every other aspect of my life I'm a smart, strong woman. When it comes to food though, I may as well be clutching a Hershey bar in aisle 10 screaming "BUT I WANT IT, I WANT IT, I WANT IT!!!!" followed by a full on floor-pounding temper-tantrum. THAT is the hold that food has over me, and it's embarassing.

Some of you will tell me not to be so hard on myself, or tell me that it's wrong to consider myself weak. I disagree. I'm not berating myself here. I'm not moping or asking for your sympathy. I'm telling you that I am thoroughly embarassed by my behavior and lack of control. It's ridiculous that I have all the tools I need to lose this weight....the right food, a good trainer, a supportive boyfriend, friends and family, and the knowledge to make the right choices, and that I've CHOSEN to disregard them all and allow myself to rationalize my behavior. The choices I've made with food effect me no less than alcohol does an alcoholic or crack does a junkie. Carrying around this weight hurts my health, it shortens my number of years on this planet and it affects the quality of my life DAILY. To say that any plate of alfredo or general tso's shrimp is, has been or ever will be worth it...is laughable.

So...I'm embarassed. The next time I'm at a party and they start the "what's your most embarassing moment" game, my answer will be "that time I weighed 220 lbs. and felt like crap and hated seeing my reflection, and couldn't shop at any clothing store I wanted, and didn't want to be seen in a bathing suit...even though I knew how to NOT weigh that much". I feel like I've spent every day of the last 17 years walking around with a mullet, and I'm the only one who thought it was ok. A mullet is NEVER ok, and neither is the weight I've been hauling around since 1996. I'm not mad at myself. I'm not sad. I'm just embarassed.

And I'm done rationalizing.

Today's weight: 220 lbs.
Today's food (so far): 1/2 a whole wheat english muffin
Venti nonfat capuccino w/splenda
one stick string cheese
one Slim Fast meal replacement shake
Today's exercise: 45 minutes cardio at gym


Thanks for reading, y'all. Your support means more than you know.

~ Courtney