5 * 7 * 9

The earliest memory I have of walking out of a clothing store frustrated, on the verge of tears, and acutely aware of my body's glaring flaws comes from a 1995 trip to the Mission Viejo mall in Southern California, the day before Valentine's Day. I was 13 years old and in 8th grade, and I made the mistake of entering a store called 5*7*9 (the only sizes in which the store actually sold clothing). It was the night before the Valentine's Day dance, and I needed a red dress. In fact, I'd only decided that day that I was even going to attend the dance. I've always hated dances...hated dancing...and most of all I hated the feeling I got in my gut when I stood against the gym wall watching all the girls in my class flit around from boy to boy, dancing and bopping and flirting and having a good time. I didn't understand how they did it....why they didn't have a lump in their throat and shaky limbs and a voice in their head screaming "GET OUT!!! IF YOU LEAVE NOW THEY WON'T HAVE TIME TO JUDGE YOU!!! THEY WON'T EVEN NOTICE YOU WERE EVER HERE!!"

I felt that way then, and I feel the same way most of the time now. Some things never change, and for me, the thing that never changes is an overwhelming awareness that I'm overweight, that I'm not comfortable in my skin and that I don't feel attractive. I've felt this way for as long as I can remember, and I've been trying lose weight for as long as I can remember. I've been gaining and losing the same 50 lbs. for the last 14 years, and I'm sick of it.

That's why I'm here...to try to lose this Godforsaken weight again, for the umpteenth time. I've tried Weight Watchers and LA Weight Loss. I've stocked up on Slim Fast bars and protein shakes. I've read Oprah's book and tried following Bob Greene's plan. I read "The Writing Diet" and "Skinny Bitch". I tried e-diets and the Biggest Loser at home. I've tried journaling and I've tried having a workout buddy. So far, nothing's worked, and if I'm honest with myself I have to admit that the only common denominator in all my failed efforts...is me. If I'm honest, I have to admit that I know exactly what I need to do to lose weight. I have the knowledge, the tools and the motivation. The goal now...is to actually DO it.

I don't know why I think I'll be successful this time around, but I figure that with a task this daunting, there's no room for self doubt. Yesterday was yesterday and the past won't repeat itself unless I let it. I've decided to start this blog to chronicle my journey, to seek encouragement, to encourage others, and to keep a written record to remind myself that my struggles are valid, my efforts are worthwhile, and my goal is attainable.

I know it's not going to be easy, but nothing worth accomplishing ever is. I've wasted enough of my life feeling fat, uncomfortable, unattractive and unhealthy. I'm tired of feeling like I'm not in control of my own habits and my own choices. Something's gotta change, and for me it starts today.

So wish me luck!!

~ Courtney